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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

The Employee handbook

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.If we see you wearing £200 Prada sneakers, and carrying a £400 Guccibag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do notneed a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to mange yourmoney better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be andtherefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. Ifyou are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do fordead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made tohave non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases whereemployee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled inthe late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through yourlunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now astrict 3-minute time limit. At the end of three minutes, an alarm willsound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the toilet door will openand a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picturewill be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"category.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, sothat they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunchto get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide apositive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation,and input should be directed elsewhere.


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