A Polish Divorce

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

Coke? what coke?

The butcher, dog and Lawyer

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

New Pokemon..?!!

source: earthhopenetwork.net

Blame it on the Pretzel

source: earthhopenetwork.net

George Bush and the message in the snow

George Bush steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old “W” is pretty pissed off.
He storms into his security staff's headquaters and yells, "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?"
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. George hollers, "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"
The entire staff immediately jumped up and raced for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says, "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news, and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"
Bush says, "Oh Hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says, "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Dick Cheney’s urine."
Bush says, "Oh my god, I feel so ... so betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. Well, what's the really bad news?"
The officer replies, "Well, it's your wife's handwriting."

A doctor misunderstood

Dave Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks.
"Dave, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."
"WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area.

Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."

Can't trust a Lawyer....

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas.

Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest.

Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina."What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

W and the lie detector...

source: internetweekly.org

George Bush and the Oil / Fuel prices

George W. Bush is the 43rd President of the United States. He is serving a second term after being re-elected on November 2, 2004. Prior to being president he served as Governor of the State of Texas.

Donald Rumsfeld - get bombed!!

source: internetweekly.org

Donald Rumsfeld tell 'em to wear Kevlar...

Donald H Rumsfeld is the Secretary of Defence for the United States of America. He's a former Navy pilot and had served as the 13th Secretary of Defence, White House Chief of Staff, U.S Ambassador to NATO, U.S. Congressman and chief executive officer of two Fortune 500 companies.
He is responsible for directing the actions of the Defence Department in response to the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001.

The power of the force...and stupid cat

Stupid cat get "forced" by the guy with the light sabre...uh Luke I think...

source: funnyjunk.com